One Year Ago - Saying Goodbye

I didn't want to leave. I guess that goes without saying but I really didn't want to leave. I had found the place where I fit. It was no longer this abstract idea of "maybe" but a truth.

I finished packing and then headed down to the Lobby to check out and wait for the cab. Fortunately, there was a taxi dispatch service specifically for wheelchair accessible cabs in Manhattan so I was able to schedule a ride the night before. The cab arrived pretty close to on time and I was on my way to JFK. It was taking all my strength to keep a stiff upper lip.

Got to the airport in about 45 minutes and things went smoothly til I had to board. My trip began with humiliation & awkwardness and it looked like it was going to end the same way.

I was put on the aisle chair in order to get to my seat and I had been assigned Row 19. After nearly being thrown out from the chair, finally got to the seat. Then as I'm in the seat, I hear a flight attendant make a comment that she didn't think "people like me were allowed to fly alone".

So began a five hour flight back to LA. I had never been on a five hour flight before. By the time the plane landed my hips & back were destroyed. Though I don't attribute all of it to flight duration because my body was pretty banged up by the time I got to the seat.

Now I was at LAX. Back in LA. And probably the saddest I had been in a long time. Sure I was going to get to sleep in my own bed in my wheelchair accessible apartment but it wasn't where I wanted to be. There was still so much left unfinished 3000 miles away.

Here I was returning a changed person while everything around me stayed the same. In the weeks & months since, I have learned to adjust while not returning to who I was. I like who I have become and am still becoming.

I'm still figuring out what's next. I know where I want to go but whether I do and when is unknown.

I didn't only say goodbye to New York City a year ago today...I also said goodbye to a part of myself.

Maybe we'll meet up again sometime. Maybe in Boston.

One Year Ago - Central Park/34th Street

It was my last day and the only thing I had planned was to make my way down to Central Park. I could have easily taken the bus but I chose to do the "walk" towards the 62nd street entrance. If I had known that my shocks were on the verge of giving out...I may not have...but kind of glad I didn't know.

After about 30 minutes, I got to the entrance. I had no real plan of where I wanted to go so I bought a map and just started wandering. Even though I enjoyed the parts of Central Park that I saw, I will always remember this is the place where my emotional cup runneth over.

There I was in a very public place and, at that moment the emotions of the last seven days came pouring out. The frustration, the humiliation, the anger, the happiness, the excitement...all of it.

I cried for the things I accomplished and I cried for the things I didn't accomplish. I cried for the things that happened and I cried for the things that didn't happen. There was that one thing where if it didn't happen now, it was never going to happen. Try as I did...the stars never aligned on my side and the window of opportunity is closed. Some things only come once in a lifetime and that was one of them.

As emotional as I was, I still wanted to see as much of Central Park as I could. I made sure to go where the author statues were and there were a lot of caricature artists around. I made it to the Bethesda Fountain, took it all in and snapped a couple of photos.

At this point, I had been there a couple hours and I needed to get the chair back to the hotel for a charge before I headed out in the evening. When I left the park, I somehow ended up on the Central Park West side. Instead of going back in and retracing my steps, I decided to stay on the CPW side. I would just go the long way around back to the hotel. Get a little lost and give myself to see more of the non-tourist part. And this is when my chair had had enough.

During one moment of going down a curb cut-out, I suddenly felt that familiar feeling of a chair without shocks. It is not a good feeling because there's nothing anchoring the chair as it navigates hills & bumps. This latest problem, though worrisome, wasn't going to keep me inside on my final evening.

When I got back to the Hotel, I rested/recharged for a couple hours then I headed out again. Time to go down some different streets and get a little lost. At one point in my midst of wandering, I looked up to see that I had somehow ended up on 34th Street and I had a nice chuckle. This night was the latest I stayed out and close to 9pm, I knew it was time to head back towards Shake Shack and Grey's Papaya to pick up what would be my last meal in NYC.

It was a sad moment. It was an emotional day.

One Year Ago - NYC Subway

So finally I could spend an entire day in NYC. I didn't really have any set plans for the day except I knew I was going to take the Subway for the first time.

I had heard how crazy the subway system was. It's one thing to hear about it...but quite another to be in the mix. Not every subway station is wheelchair accessible (elevators) and while I knew that, I didn't know that whether a station is/isn't equipped with an elevator isn't clearly marked. Coming from LA where every station has an elevator and there is no "mind the gap"...it was just a mindless reaction for me to get off at the stop because that's where I was trying to go.

The fact that there was HUGE gap between the train and platform, should have been my first clue that if I exited the train I was going to be screwed but I thought nothing of it in those seconds. Not til I was off the train and it was too late to get back on.

So I sat there wondering what I was going to do. Then a local with her two little kids came along and was nice enough to let me know that the Fulton Street stop was my best bet and then I could backtrack. Now I just had to wait for a train to come along where the platform and train were equal height.

Finally got on the train towards Fulton. Going to Fulton and having to backtrack towards Wall Street turned out to be a good thing as it allowed me to wander. In my wandering, I came across a makeshift TV set where scenes for the tv show "Blue Bloods" were being filmed. As I went further down the street, I ended up stopping to talk to one of the crew members. He was quick to tell me that none of the cast were on set. I then asked him if it was 2nd unit on set and his face just lit up. I don't think it was as much as I knew the lingo as in it was because I used it the right way. That still remains as one of my favorite memories. We only chatted a few more minutes as he had to work. He said that I could go on set but I'm not exactly someone who can blend in so I declined.

After this little moment, it was time to move on. I had considered going to the Brooklyn Bridge as it wasn't that far away from where I was but I chose not to. And that is one of my small regrets.

On my way back to getting on the train, I got very lost. I had made so many turns in my wandering around that I was a bit turned around and Google maps could only help so much. I finally did find the train again and decided to go back where I started and get on the 7 towards the US OPEN. I didn't know what chance I had of getting grounds passes for the day but I thought might as well go see the Tennis Center even if only from the outside.

I got to the Tennis Center stop and this was most likely where it was the beginning of the end for the shocks in my chair. I thought the Santa Monica Pier was a bear...that is until I was driving my chair from the train stop to the Tennis Center. I mean going over those wood slats was beyond horrendous and I never thought I would get to the end. When I finally did I was so hot & tired...seeing the Tennis Center had lost its appeal almost. But I went to see if there were any grounds passes anyway because I was there. As expected, it was sold out.

There wasn't much left to do so there I was staring at going over the wood slats again. When I made it back to the train platform, I found out that I had to go up another level because it turns out that stop isn't actually wheelchair accessible.

After that experience there is no way I will go back to the Tennis Center unless I go by bus or if somebody wants to carry me over the wooden walkway.

I get back to Manhattan sometime in late afternoon and just wander around some more.

Probably one of my most memorable experiences on a NYC Subway was when a street performer just started doing his thing the minute the train moved. I didn't know what the hell was going on at first...thought I was going to get robbed! But then I realized it was all in good fun. The NYC Subway system is not something I will forget anytime soon. The speed of the trains, the chaos, the inaccessibility...all of it was part of the character and I loved every bit of it. I wouldn't mind if they worked on it being more accessible but there are signs that efforts are being made.

Friday would be my last day and I was going to spend it at Central Park.

One Year Ago - Waiting Wednesday

So Wednesday was to be the first of three full days of being in NYC. And it was...only I didn't get to spend it how I originally planned. The night before, my battery charger for my wheelchair took a two foot dive off the faux end table next to the bed. I had dropped the charger before when at home but never the way it happened this time. When I had picked it up, there was something rattling around inside but it still turned on so I had hope.

Only to get up in the morning to see that my chair's battery was still not charged. Surprisingly, though I was pissed, I didn't panic. If I didn't find an wheelchair equipment/repair place...I was going to be going back to LA sooner. So I spent the morning calling around and finally found a place in Queens that could sell me a charger. Unfortunately, it was going to take what remained in my savings but I had no choice. Thankfully, the person was willing to come to Manhattan and drop off the charger but not til 5pmish.

So I spent the day by getting lunch from the hotel restaurant and watching the US Open on tv. I was also concerned that what if I just spent the last of my savings and the guy never arrived. But, thankfully, he did. As soon as I had the charger, I could finally head out. There was still 3 hours of daylight left so I wandered around til it started getting dark.

I know I missed out on the "nightlife" but I didn't want to be too far from the Hotel after dark.

So although it was a frustrating day, I still made the most of it and I still had Thursday and Friday.

And Thursday most definitely made up for the lost time...

One Year Ago - NYC NYC NYC NYC

I dozed off occasionally between Philadelphia and New York City but I really woke up when the sun began to rise and I realized the bus was in New Jersey. I wanted to take it all in. I wasn't quite to NYC but I was so damn close! The next thing I know the bus is going through the Lincoln Tunnel and it took everything I had to not burst into tears. A feel of exhaustion, relief, excitement, and victory all in one. I had made it.

Getting off the bus at the station, I was a little nervous. I knew how far my hotel was from Penn Station had I taken the train but I was unprepared for the bus station even though I did have Google Maps. I just wanted to get to my Hotel at this point.

I wish that I was arriving at the Hotel with a better impression. Instead, I was someone who hadn't showered in three days and had not emptied my bladder in 24 hours. The bus had no restroom facility for wheelchairs and the one time when I did get off one bus to transfer to another there was no time to find a restroom. To this day, I don't know how I did it nor would I do it again.

I got to the Hotel and after checking in...I couldn't get to my room fast enough. I was about to find out just how wheelchair accessible the room was. And it turned out that Yotel Hotel was everything they advertised the room to be. Plenty of room to move around but, most importantly, there was a large walk-in shower. After washing the stink of the past three days off, I got a tenth wind and got my room settled and just stared out the windows for awhile. I was tired and my chair needed to be charged so I decided to take a nap.

What was supposed to be only an hour nap turned out to be a 3 hour nap and damn it felt good. So being rested and my chair getting a boost it was time to head out to NYC...for the very first time. I didn't want to go very far from the Hotel on this first day so I went to wander around Times Square. Seeing as how I was starving I bought a Lobster Roll and sat at a table and just people watched. There were just so many emotions going through me. NYC was no longer an idea. I was making memories. And I felt like I was finally where I belonged.

Later in the evening, I was back in the room and called my brother to ask him if he could buy me a plane ticket back to LA on Saturday. I felt like crap for asking because he had helped me out much the same way when Greyhound stranded me in Las Vegas four years before. And a last minute ticket from NYC was going to cost a lot more. I just knew that I couldn't handle another 2 1/2 days on Amtrak so soon after what I had just gone through. And I figured for what I would get from the refund of my return ticket from Amtrak that I could pay my brother back pretty quickly. Well...

I called Amtrak to begin the process of a refund after speaking to my brother and it turns out that when I thought I was getting the Chicago to NYC leg of my trip refunded and used on a Greyhound ticket...Amtrak was refunding my return trip so I actually had no way home. Thank goodness for my brother & his wife helping me out.

And this ended my first day in NYC. Wednesday was set to be my first full day and I was so excited to get to be running around the city all day.

That was the plan anyway...

One Year Ago - Chicago & A Greyhound

Arrived in Chicago at 5am-ish. Fourteen hours after the train was due in Chicago. Over 7 hours late to have made the connection to NYC. I wish I could say I got off the train and celebrated having arrived but all I had on my mind was finding customer relations and getting the voucher that I, and the other missed connection passengers, were told we would get if we went to the customer relations office.

Falling in line with how the journey had gone thus far...that isn't exactly what happened. I and about twenty other people arrived at the office only to be told that efforts would be made to accommodate on the 9pm train to NYC that night or take the Greyhound. But no voucher. I opted for the Greyhound that left at 8am and I would arrive in NYC by 8am the next day.

Now, at this time, I was under the impression that Amtrak was refunding my money on the ticket for Chicago to NYC and applying it to the Greyhound ticket. By the time I got the situation sussed out, I had an hour to get from the train station to the bus station. I was going to wait for a cab but waiting on a wheelchair accessible cab that may/may not arrive to take me a mile and a half seemed a waste of time.

So I headed out on the streets of Downtown Chicago and almost immediately...I knew this city and I would never be friends. Granted, my impression is based on a very short time but somethings you just know.

After getting lost for awhile and fearing that I was going to miss check-in for the bus, I finally found the bus station. Had barely enough time to check-in and a quick change of clothes. Then another one of my fears were realized when the bus they had didn't have a wheelchair lift so they had to wait for one which took an hour. Now I was concerned I was going to miss the connection in Ohio. I don't know how I wasn't having a full-on emotional breakdown at this point. But I knew I couldn't lose it...I had to stay calm and not allow those things out of my control to break me...I had to.

Finally get on the bus and I learn that the bus I am on will be used to go to DC and I get the idea to see if they will change my ticket so I won't have to change busses and worry about lifts. The bus driver plead my case in Cleveland and Greyhound changed my ticket to where I got off the particular bus I was on in Pittsburgh instead of Cleveland. And that would be my final bus before NYC.

The fact that even though I was exhausted  and was still nice to those at Greyhound trying to help me...I knew this trip was changing me. Not once did I snap at anyone. I mean I was beginning to question my own sanity because clearly there were many times that I should have said maybe something was trying to stop me from reaching NYC and not every obstacle needed to be overcome.

But I didn't stop. I had gone too far at this point. I still remember that feeling when for the first time in my life...crossing into Ohio...I was living IN the eastern time zone. It was a moment I'll always remember.

Got into Pittsburgh later that night and there was only a 20 minute window before the bus left so all I had time to do was go to the snackbar. This stop was ready for me with a wheelchair lift so finally something went my way.

Just 8 more hours til NYC. I didn't let it sink in too much then because if I would let myself think about it, I could feel the tears. I wasn't there yet.

Would I get there or would something else try to stop me?

One Year Ago - Kansas

I woke up in Kansas. The irony is just as funny to me then as it is now.

As much as I tried to enjoy the scenery, it was made all the more difficult with the train stopping randomly for delays in order to give other trains the right of way. At one point, the train sat still for 45 minutes and the thought was that another engine had gone. When it was actually that the train was stopping in order for another train from the opposite direction to pass by.

I was in a state of panic for most of the day. I already had a late check-in for my hotel because the Chicago to NYC wasn't going to arrive at Penn Station til 6:30ish. Now that it was obvious that I wasn't going to make the connection, I was getting more worried that I would lose the room.

If you're an ambulatory person, you can easily take a lesser room or go to another hotel. Finding a wheelchair accessible room that is truly wheelchair accessible is difficult to find. I contacted the hotel about the situation I was in and I probably wouldn't arrive before Tuesday morning. I explained to the representative that I would pay for Monday but to please not release the room. The representative was very accommodating over the phone and gave me the impression that I was set. All I could do was trust that. Now I could turn my concerns to how the hell was I going to get from Chicago to NYC.

Amtrak was giving missed connection passengers assurances that we would be put up somewhere and given a seat on the next connection to NYC. I had no reason not to believe them.

The train reached the Kansas City, KS/Kansas City, MO border in the late evening. Three hours past the time when we were supposed to have arrived in Chicago. 

Would be in Chicago in 12 hrs...

One Year Ago - Went From Bad To Worse

The day started with waking up at 4am to see a group of people outside the window having a smoke. The train had stopped for a 15 minute smoke break because it was going to be a long stretch before it stopped again for any length of time. We were still about 8 hours away from what would be a 90 minute scheduled stop in Albuquerque.

I went back to sleep and woke up again to a really beautiful sunrise. The train was somewhere in Arizona. I just sat there watching the scenery out the window and thinking of how far I was from the familiarity of L.A. and how excited I was for all that I hadn't seen yet. This day started with a lot of optimism.

Soon the train reached the Arizona/New Mexico border and the scenery went from beautiful to gorgeous. Unfortunately, I was so in the moment of these rock formations that I didn't think to take any photos for posterity. To this day, the stretch through New Mexico remains as one of my favorite memories.

The train gets to Albuquerque for a long stop and I decide to get off the train and stretch my legs as it were. At the station there were people selling their hand-made jewelry and I couldn't resist getting a necklace. Getting back on the train I was still feeling so optimistic about getting into Chicago by 3pm the next day. Well...

Then Raton, NM and 5pm happened. There was a mechanical issue. I wasn't panicking yet. But then 1hr became 2 hours and then I realized that all of us who needed to make that connection in Chicago were screwed. The train was due in Chicago the next day at 3pm and the connection left at 9:30pm.

I went through a gamut of emotions. Anger especially but I knew it was the least productive emotion. There was nothing I could do about this situation but WHY was the universe making it so damn hard for me to get to NYC?! I cried an ugly cry in my little corner then I pulled myself together and resolved to enjoy the journey as best I could.

I was sort of prepared for this to happen as far as to say I had been following the route via the app the past few months. And there were a few times where the train arrived over 12 hrs late into Chicago but I had hoped that wasn't going to happen to me. Hope springs eternal.

What made things even worse is that it turns out the engineers knew of the engine trouble 5 hours back in Albuquerque but decided not to do anything about it and push on. And so there we were in Raton waiting for an engine from Albuquerque to be delivered.

After sitting in Raton for 8 hours though, the engine was hooked up and the train started going again at 1am.

I was so looking forward to seeing Colorado in the daylight but that wasn't going to happen now...

One Year Ago - It Began

What do I remember about this day? Not much...and a lot. It was a surreal day. I knew it was the 22nd...I knew that I needed to leave the apartment by 4pm to get to the train station...but it all felt like a fog. I had been planning for this day all year and finally here it was. It never crossed my mind to chicken out but I do remember worrying what if Amtrak cancelled this run even though it was a daily trip and I had started following the route departure/arrival times in the month leading up to the day. A lot of good that did me but that's better suited for tomorrow.

I could write a lot about what I don't remember about this day but I think I will stick with what I do.

It was time to leave. My bags were packed and my walker was secured to my chair. I had this brilliant idea to go to LA Cafe before getting to the train station. Due to the train leaving at 6pm, I didn't know if dinner was going to be offered so I went to the Cafe to get my favorite Lobster Grilled Cheese...one of the best sandwiches I've ever had. Now while this was brilliant in idea form...I didn't quite take into account that I was already carrying about a 20lb suitcase and had a duffel bag around my neck and..oh yea, driving my chair. But I wanted that sandwich so I bought my dinner and the staff were kind enough to tie the bag to the suitcase handle so I wouldn't technically have to carry it.

So I finally get back on the subway and head to Union Station. Once there I had to pick up my boarding pass. And as I went through the procedure, I kept repeating to myself that I couldn't believe the day was here. I had a 3000 mile journey and I was going to appreciate it however on the other side of that was NEW YORK CITY! I was going to be in NYC in 2 1/2 days!

When it was finally time to head up to the platform I was still waiting for the other shoe to drop. Things were going fairly smoothly. Too smooth. Then around 6pm-ish, it was time to get on the train. I should mention I was sitting in coach for the next two days. Had I opted for a sleeping car, I would not have taken the trip when I did. Besides, I didn't think Coach would be all that bad. So I get on the train and I have a big window to look out of. And enough room to put my suitcase and duffel bag within reach at my feet. At this moment, I'm still in a state of "how the hell did I get here?"...I still couldn't believe all the sacrifices I made over the last year and support I got from friends and family was going to pay off.

The train starts to move and I feel like I'm going to burst. The first night of travel was basically California and getting into Arizona in the early hours of the 23rd so there was nothing new to see this first night. And honestly, I almost got off the train before it left California.

The time came where I had to use the restroom. Now I had been reassured that the train had a wheelchair accessible restroom. The problem is: my definition of wheelchair accessible and Amtrak's version of wheelchair accessible are not one and the same. Unfortunately, I did not think to take a photo of this restroom and I can not find a photo on the Internet of the restroom on the Southwest Chief specifically. It was wide but not deep so my wheelchair could not go all the way in and I had to depend on an Amtrak attendant to back the chair out when I would use the grab bars to stand up and then bring the chair back in. I looked at the situation and wondered if I could do this two more days. I almost got off the train. The situation was embarrassing, humiliating, and awkward...but I decided that I could make it work for the sake of the bigger picture.

The rest of the night was uneventful. Calm before the storm.