I didn't want to leave. I guess that goes without saying but I really didn't want to leave. I had found the place where I fit. It was no longer this abstract idea of "maybe" but a truth.
I finished packing and then headed down to the Lobby to check out and wait for the cab. Fortunately, there was a taxi dispatch service specifically for wheelchair accessible cabs in Manhattan so I was able to schedule a ride the night before. The cab arrived pretty close to on time and I was on my way to JFK. It was taking all my strength to keep a stiff upper lip.
Got to the airport in about 45 minutes and things went smoothly til I had to board. My trip began with humiliation & awkwardness and it looked like it was going to end the same way.
I was put on the aisle chair in order to get to my seat and I had been assigned Row 19. After nearly being thrown out from the chair, finally got to the seat. Then as I'm in the seat, I hear a flight attendant make a comment that she didn't think "people like me were allowed to fly alone".
So began a five hour flight back to LA. I had never been on a five hour flight before. By the time the plane landed my hips & back were destroyed. Though I don't attribute all of it to flight duration because my body was pretty banged up by the time I got to the seat.
Now I was at LAX. Back in LA. And probably the saddest I had been in a long time. Sure I was going to get to sleep in my own bed in my wheelchair accessible apartment but it wasn't where I wanted to be. There was still so much left unfinished 3000 miles away.
Here I was returning a changed person while everything around me stayed the same. In the weeks & months since, I have learned to adjust while not returning to who I was. I like who I have become and am still becoming.
I'm still figuring out what's next. I know where I want to go but whether I do and when is unknown.
I didn't only say goodbye to New York City a year ago today...I also said goodbye to a part of myself.
Maybe we'll meet up again sometime. Maybe in Boston.
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